


Seamus's Lucky Charms

by Keep_Calm_And_Expecto_Patronum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Hogwarts Hospital Wing, Humor, Inappropriate Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:47:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23403217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keep_Calm_And_Expecto_Patronum/pseuds/Keep_Calm_And_Expecto_Patronum
Summary: Poppy Pomfrey thought that she had seen everything...until now.**Written for the Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest**
Comments: 21
Kudos: 22
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	Seamus's Lucky Charms

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of Hermione's Nook Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest.
> 
> Inspired by the prompt "Stealing Seamus Finnegan's lucky charms. That sort of thing could get you sent to Azkaban."
> 
> Thank you to my beta [ BrandonStrayne ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrandonStrayne/pseuds/BrandonStrayne) for fixing my atrocious SPaG!

In her thirty-year tenure as Matron of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Poppy Pomfrey had seen it all, everything from petrifications to Polyjuice Potion mishaps. Students and staff alike had suffered maulings and bites from all manner of magical beasts and the occasional sentient tree. Once, she had even treated a student transfigured into a teapot—that particular case had proven to be quite a headache for everyone involved. She had treated hexes, curses, bumps, scrapes, burns and breaks of every variety imaginable. But never in all her years had she had to deal with something as extreme as this.

Usually, when Seamus Finnigan entered the Hospital Ward it was due to some pyrotechnic mishap. Over the years, she had lost count the number of times the clumsy but good-natured Gryffindor had graced one of her hospital beds. So, when Poppy found out that he would be returning to Hogwarts along with several other students to repeat his seventh year, she made sure to stock up on salves and lotions in the event of another accidental fire or explosion. But when he had slunk into the Hospital Wing earlier this evening, his hands placed protectively over his groin, she knew that something wasn’t quite right. 

“Let me guess,” she sighed, ushering him over to one of the empty hospital beds. “An _Engorgio_ charm gone awry?”

Seamus’s ears turned scarlet and he shook his head. “Um, no. Not quite.”

Poppy cocked a curious eyebrow at Seamus as he plopped himself down onto the edge of the bed, his hands still placed firmly over his crotch. Pulling the cubicle curtain around the bed, she asked, “Surely you haven’t burned yourself in your nether regions, Mr Finnigan? I knew that you had a clumsy streak, but really…”

“It’s not that either,” said Seamus, his voice unusually high. He scrunched up his eyes and bowed his head in shame. “I...well...oh god, I don’t even know how to say it.”

Poppy gave him a sympathetic look and said gently, “Mr Finnigan, I am a medical professional. Anything that you say or show me will remain completely confidential. Besides, I have been doing this job for a very long time. There is nothing that I haven’t seen before.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Seamus mumbled. After a long moment, he sighed in resignation, rose to his feet and proceeded to unbuckle his belt. Poppy’s eyes widened as Seamus unzipped his trousers, but before he pulled them down completely, he paused and asked, “You promise not to laugh?”

“I promise that I won’t laugh,” she assured him, a little apprehensive at what was about to be revealed to her. 

Seamus’s lip trembled but he nodded, and in one swift movement, he pulled his trousers and boxers down past his thighs before straightening again. Poppy couldn’t help the gasp of shock that escaped her lips and she quickly covered her mouth to smother it, but too late. Seamus’s face crumpled and he buried his face into his hands as he wept.

“Someone’s stole me lucky charms!”

Poppy gave herself a quick shake in an effort to compose herself, pushed her glasses further up her nose and took a closer look. Where there should have been a set of male genitals (as is common for homo sapiens) there was...nothing. Absolutely nothing. No genitalia of any kind, just smooth skin.

“What in the name of Merlin?” she muttered to herself. 

“What am I going to do?” Seamus wailed. “I look like a bleedin’ Ken doll!” 

Poppy had no clue what that was, but she had more pressing questions on her mind. She drew her wand and began running a series of diagnostics. “Well, we can rule out an invisibility charm, the genitals have been completely removed from the body. No signs of scar tissue either...fascinating. The hex is incredibly powerful and complex. Whoever did this is quite accomplished at magic.”

Seamus lowered his hands from his face and drew Poppy a mutinous glare. “Quite accomplished? I can think of several words to describe the person that did this to me and none of them are accomplished!”

Poppy ignored his outburst and stood straight again. “You realise that this qualifies as grievous bodily harm. However skilled the magic is, this is the sort of thing that could earn you a sentence in Azkaban.”

Seamus’s eyes widened with shock. “Really?”

“Yes, Mr Finnigan, this is clearly no accident. Whoever did this to you went to a great deal of effort to remove your... _lucky_ _charms_ , as you so succinctly put it. Can you think of anyone who would do this to you?”

“No! Well…” Seamus’s shoulders sagged as he admitted, “Well, I suppose there could be one or two culprits. Maybe three.”

Poppy glanced down at Seamus’s bizarre disfigurement and pursed her lips. “Former belles of yours?” 

“Maybe,” he replied coyly. “Look, I can deal with who did what later. I just want to know if you’re able to fix this.”

“I can certainly fix it,” Poppy bristled. “But I warn you, the procedure will be painful.”

“Fine by me,” he declared. “I don’t care how painful it is, I just want to be whole again. Sooner rather than later, if you don’t mind.” 

“Very well,” she sighed. “Onto the bed, Mr Finnigan. Lie flat on your back and keep your hands above your head.” Seamus quickly did as he was instructed and lay flat on the bed. Poppy cleared her throat and pointed her wand at Seamus’s groin. “Now, this is a delicate question to ask, but how many inches is your penis when it is flaccid?”

“Nine.”

Poppy lowered her wand again and gave Seamus a withering look. Rather than having the good grace to look embarrassed, he grinned at her like a Cheshire cat. 

“Mr Finnigan…”

“What?” he replied innocently. “It is nine inches, I swear!”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” she sneered. “The average length of a flaccid, pendulous penis is three and a half inches. I think that would be more appropriate.”

“Three and a half?” Seamus cried indignantly. “I was _way_ bigger than that! Come on, Madam Pomfrey, do me a favour, will you? How about we make it seven inches and we’ll call it a day?”

Poppy glared at him for a long moment. “Six and a half.”

“Deal.” Seamus stuck his hand out for Poppy to shake, but quickly dropped it again when he caught sight of the bemused expression on the Matron’s face. Tucking his hands safely behind his head, he shuffled down the hospital bed into a more comfortable position. “So...just how painful is this going to be?”

Poppy pointed her wand at Seamus’s groin. “Very.”

After completing the procedure, Poppy thrust a large jar of murtlap essence into Seamus’s trembling hands, told him to use it liberally four times a day until the swelling had gone down, and watched him limp out of the Hospital Wing. When the door slammed shut behind him, Poppy collapsed into the nearest chair with a weary sigh and tore off her peaked hat. After thirty years of this nonsense, perhaps it was time for her to consider retirement. 

Before she could give the fleeting idea any real consideration, the hospital door creaked as it swung open and another student popped their head inside.

“Madam Pomfrey,” said the young student sheepishly. “Are you busy at the moment?”

Poppy smiled warmly at the student and fixed her peaked hat back on top of her head. “Not for you, my dear. What seems to be the problem?”


End file.
